The old adage goes: It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But is it?
For many people mourning lost love, “the one that got away” lingers, with constant questions of “what-if” coursing through their brain. In the psychology of love, the concept of “the one that got away” refers to a former romantic partner who maintains a significant role in one’s memory.
Categorized by ending at a — perceived — premature point in the relationship, this lost love can leave an individual fixated on what could have been.
According to Maria Luciani, a Ph.D. student in social and personality psychology at UC Berkeley, “the one that got away” is often referred to as a “relationship or sexual nostalgia,” which, primarily contingent on the individual, can be instrumental or detrimental for moving on or personal growth.
“Relationship nostalgia can help individuals reflect on personal growth and fulfill certain belongingness needs,” Luciani explained in an email. “However, when people ruminate on past relationships, particularly regrets, this can interfere with their ability to adjust and ‘move on.’ ”
Nostalgia is a “mixed bag for current relationship satisfaction,” according to Luciani. While a certain level of nostalgic reflection for a former partner can both provide comfort and increase satisfaction in one’s current relationship, as found in a 2022 study, unresolved emotions can make it difficult to form new romantic connections.